the secret brown book

since the day i felt something wrong i have started a little brown book of depression 

cos i have lost my career and lost my identity in a way in this midlife crisis

and felt my mind going a bit haywire

so i started to journal as thats what the internet has advised

i was not able to open up to my partner and no frens or family to share my insecurity

so i turned to writing and music

actually im already into writing poems and doodling when i was much younger but have since digitised it onto instagram posts under the handle 'poet_punk'

let me know if you cant find 'words in its true form'

the first journal on thebrownbookofdepression was on 13 feb 2022

and each subsequent entry was a day of depression

i wont journal on good days

that book is solely meant for letting out my misery

gosh im spilling too much of my secrets to You

then my heart attack occurred on 15 aug 2022

so it seems i knew something was super wrong but i guess some remedy was too late to stop the onset

perhaps my life that time was living so aimlessly that i just waste it away

imagine no one contacts u and u r all so alone in this world

the handphone doesnt ring on any message or call

and i was just living thru it like a useless fool

wished i died but end up still alive to punish me

the recuperating period didnt work so well on my mind as well

im an introvert who is very much influenced by my partner

and i have one who doesnt know how to take care of humans, empathy level almost zero

one who doesnt know how to communicate emotionally and physically

but can nonetheless shower with all the materials and riches but wads the point?

thru this bout of depression i discovered the harsh reality of life

i have everything but in fact i have nothing

well life have to go on and NOW YOU ARE HERE

still trying to process this part, so very afraid i will lose you again

very very fragile part very very precious person

dun ask me why, i have tot thru and i dun have an answer but to folo my heart

my heart aches and yearns, for You have brought meaning into my life now